Hi there. It’s been a while. I recently re-read my old writings. Who was that guy? The past six months my presence has been nonexistent in regards to the old habits that once controlled my everyday life. The changes I have always yearned for have started to take place and there is a reason for this. This past May I accepted the generous offer from my parents to enter into a treatment program for alcohol and drug abuse.
Reading the posts right before making this move, it is not hard to deduct the fact that my life had headed in to a fatal tailspin. The months leading up to my admission into treatment were filled with the epitome of wasted time. I had no job, no direction, and no motivation. The only reason I would get out of bed was to go over to a friend’s house so I could use. With no money to my name, I somehow managed to be high and/or drunk everyday from January to May. The only work I did was that which paid in drugs or alcohol.
For the past 2 years I had been abusing Ritalin and then adderall prescriptions obtained by lying to my doctor. My script of sixty 20mg pills would gone up my nose in a matter of five days or less. Almost all of my previous posts were written during these binges. I was completely powerless over my use. Getting a script renewed always came with the promises of “I’ll ration it out this time” or ” I’m not going to snort more than x amount pills per day”. Those of course fell through in a matter of hours, reverting back to my usual rhythm of snorting around one pill every couple of hours on average, my nose and throat increasingly becoming more raw and sore over the next few days with the only justification for such rampant use being that I could write like no other during this period.
The pills always ran out way too quickly. Being up for four or five days straight makes your memory pretty spotty. I would occasionally convince myself that I must have dropped a pill somewhere in my room. Launched into a self made frenzy, the next few hours invariably were spent combing the carpet of my room in futile exasperation of finding it.The waiting period would start, white knuckling the urges to use for the next three weeks when I could re-up. I began to use pot, meth, and alcohol more frequently to calm my nerves during this time. It allowed my thoughts to wandering away from the date I could renew my script, which increasingly seemed to come slower and slower as the months of abuse went by.
Over the course of this 2 year period I slowly stepped back from an active existence. My neglect of loved ones is glaringly clear to me now but in that moment I was completely blind to it. While in treatment I received a letter from my nephew asking how I was doing and explaining what he was up to during his summer vacation. It was an innocent letter but it utterly tore me up. The next hour after reading it I was in pieces. It had never occurred to me what a shitty example of a man I was setting for him. The message I had been sending was that going to the bar or getting high was more important than spending time with loved ones.
I will forever be grateful for my opportunity to enter into treatment. Going to the Wilderness Treatment Center turned me around and shed light on a lot of my problems. Not only did it show me how destructive my use was but also how my past thoughts and beliefs had built a false reality around my being. I ultimately have learned that my abuse is but a symptom of my underlying issues with perfectionism, shame, self pity, and my need to control. It’s a long road but things have already begun to show improvement.
I now reside at a sober living house in Dallas, Texas. Being sober has not come without its ups and downs, my ability to handle these varying situations has become better though. Everything’s not perfect but it’s not supposed to be and for the first time in my life I can accept that fact.