I don’t know why exactly I feel the need to apologize, so I’m not going to. I will not apologize for being honest. I will not apologize for where I am at. I do however wish to calm any distress the last post may have created. It was, however, important to write.
The last post contained a lot of bottled up feelings and thoughts that weighed heavily on my mind for the past month or so. Posting this weight for you to see proved to be more therapeutic than expected. I don’t think I’ve wept that hard in a long time and must say I enjoyed it somewhat. This unforeseen reaction to the relief of removing this weight corroborates the validity of taking that chance. It feels unbelievably good to know that people can see and maybe understand where I actually am, who I actually am.
Playing cover-up has never really stopped. That is not to say previous posts were all lies. I stand by what I wrote last year, but I did subconsciously make sure to put somewhat of a positive spin on it. Writing only about certain problems that I had already come up with answers to. Now I’m starting to see that I’ve been missing the point of this blog. This is supposed to be a narration to a journey. A look into my triumphs but more importantly my trials. Taking on the difficult problems is necessary, finding the answers takes time, and the path is never smooth but writing out this process seems to help put things in perspective. I will no longer allow my fear of not having a suitable answer stop me from writing about the hurdles at hand. This blog started with the intention of being a window into my head. It was meant to help articulate that which I fail to in conversation. I instinctively edited what was seen through that window, effectively turning this into yet another way to hide.
The editing is over. I am going to write about some hard things in the coming months. I can’t say how inspirational these future posts may be. They could turn out to be downright depressing or disturbing but it is these hardships that seem the most difficult to shed light on. There is a set of fears I could continue to succumb to in regards to what people may think of these writings. Last year I wrote about being damaged goods and, rather hypocritically, being tired of hiding that fact. I’m going to finally back up the latter of those two statements. I don’t know how relatable this blog will be to others. The writing will continue regardless.
-Fuck the Critics, Screw the Fans