Waking Up


In continuation with the previous post, my focus for the new year is set on making myself better for those in my life. This time around I plan on actually following through with action rather than just write about it. I know the goals. I know the steps to reach those goals. This hypocrisy of knowing and not doing must end.

The past years have all been on the same cycle. Winter brings a fall. Summer brings a high. This year the plan is to break from the peaks and valleys of the past. Right now is actually the easiest time for me to instigate change. The depression has subsided enough to allow me to be functional but still be aware of the faults that remain in myself. It is when things start going good that I lose focus, live in the moment, and preparation to keep my comfort level for the cold days ahead dwindles. I’m tired of this.

I’m sick of being tired. Cigarettes have drastically deteriorated my physical and mental health over the years. I started smoking in order to better help with my social anxiety. It provided an escape from people, a little break from the day. I never used tobacco to meet people in college. I was the guy who would walk outside and b-line it away from the social smoking circle. Now I see it as a barrier to the friends I have as I am the only smoker in the group. Smelling like shit is getting more apparent and something I am very conscious of. Until this point that never stopped me but this selfish act to selfish ends is what needs halting. My energy level for a given day is low at best. This misused body of mine has noticeably begun to fall apart. The lack of energy prevents me from doing and providing what I am capable of for the ones I hold close. It is time to get in shape and a workout plan is developing to get back in trail crew condition.

At first glance, this appears to be a self centered task but the act is not what is important in this, it is the end that is sought out. I will obviously benefit from improving my condition. The intention, however, is to have others reap the real rewards. There is a balance I’m beginning to comprehend pertaining to taking care of myself and doing right by others. I’ve always cared for those around me but haven’t helped out as best I can. This is what I’m calling myself out on. All too often people know and say the right thing but never actually do the correct course of action. That’s the way I’ve been living. Making things sound good and saying what people want is how I covered up so much of myself for all those years. The want for people to see me as stable and well-rounded was paramount in keeping my secrets. If I wish to move on with my life, I must first be honest with my own self and others about where I’m really at in life.

I don’t doubt that I have a good heart that wishes the best for others and wants to provide care. Knowing that is great and a starting point. What I have failed to do is make the rest of my being capable of acting on those good pulses from the chest. The fortitude to begin and sustain the changes for the ultimate benefit of others was always lacking. My impatience for not being what I wanted right then and there distracted me from understanding the work I needed to do. There has been an idea of who I want to become and until now I thought that to be an impossible thing. It’s just going to take some time.

Selfish undertakings as means to selfless ends, this phrase is what’s going into action in the coming months and the plan is to make it stick throughout my life. I cannot help others without first taking time to actually help myself. To be able to handle my own shit skillfully is necessary in order to take on others. I fruitlessly tried to do both at once in the past before I was ready. Failure is to be avoided this time.

I fear this blog is becoming repetitive as I feel damn near the same as a year ago, just with more understanding of my true situation and tasks at hand. I fear ending up older still talking about and trying to conquer these same issues. It is time to take these challenges head on. It is time to wipe the sleepy state from this personality. It is time to wake the fuck up.

-Fuck the Critics, Screw the Fans

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One thought on “Waking Up

  1. Great insight son. You have such a good mind and heart. My hope and prayer for you is that you realize your awesome potential. Just know you don’t always have to do it alone. That is why you have people in your life that love and care about you. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for help if you need it. Love you.

    Dad

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