I’m losing my grip. This month marks the beginning of the seasonal struggle I face every year. It’s been 5 years. 5 years spent looking for a purpose. Last week I started to realize just what that might be.
I am temporary, small, and insignificant. The thought process of believing my life is some main act in the grand scheme of things is being tossed out. My life is not meant for greatness on a mass scale. I am meant to get something across and that is all. No longer am I looking to establish a long life. My goal is to figure out this message and when that is achieved I am done.
Most people do not want to accept that they are just another cog in life’s machine. Our society breeds kids to believe that there is room for all at the top. At some point the realization must be faced that you are not special. That fact can be depressing but for me it is a relief. I am perfectly okay knowing that in some way I will help the greater good even though I am not a part of that greater good.
Our country triumphs personal achievements. That virtue of goodness comes from the success of the self. It is why Americans are so loud and flashy. One wants people to see just how great he or she is. What has been lost is triumphing of those who do so much for others and seek no attention in return. Our heroes and idols should be these people. They try to make society more livable for the rest. I do not a big house, nice car, and fat bank account. I want to know in my last breath of this life that I did what I could for those in my life in helping them gain happiness. I do not care so much about my own happiness anymore. For the first time feeling sacrificial seems important.
My search for finding a partner is drawing to a close as I now see just how futile a goal that was ever to have. I am never meant to be a husband or father. Life is too fleeting for me. The emotional attachment that naturally comes with a relationship is an unfair position to put another in. That is not to say I am actively walking away from life again. A long term relationship is just out of the question. I am now in the process of killing off my sex drive. A task much more difficult than what I expected but necessary. I’ll let you know how that goes.
With that said, it is November which is the biggest mindfuck of a month a year has to offer. This all could very well change come spring time but for now I am finding a certain comfort in knowing my mortality. November is just 30 days but they are the longest, darkest hours I must deal with. I am not worried about coming out of the other side of this. I will make it into next year but I will different, that is for sure.
-Fuck the Critics, Screw the Fans